What's up with men who sleep with men frequently called MSM? The term “men who have sex with men” describes a behavior rather than a specific group of people. It includes self-identified gay, bi-sexual, trans gendered or hetero men.
These men partake in acts that sexually arouse other men: kissing, mutual masturbation and anal sex. But Dr Eve argued that heterosexual men having sex with other men can be defined as another sub-group. Studies show the higher percentage of men who report had sex with other men is higher than those who identify themselves as gay.
Dr Eve stated that men having sex with other men can be identified just as that, men having sex with other men. She explained, “It is its own sexual identity. It must not be judged nor condemned”. She added, “As with all sexual orientations there is little choice in it: these men feel it is natural and pleasurable to be with a man on occasion.”
The question arises: “Can this not be viewed as sexuality crisis? May be just a personal choice or simply a matter of confusion or worse? Dr Eve stated that sexual dynamics can not be summed up. There are many factors that come into play. There is so much within sexual orientation, finding oneself by questioning ones existence sexuality can lead to exploration and eye opening.
Men who sleep with other men should not be read as ‘sign’ of sexuality crisis because it in not. “Taking on a label immediately makes one conform to the expectation of that label – people reject this- it is discriminating and harmful and assumptive”, she explained.
There is a danger because it reinforces stigmatisation. “Men” explained, Dr Eve, “try it out if confused or rather questioning their sexual orientation. But MSM are usually men who incorporate sex with men into their regular lives”.
It is the nature of diversity that we live in that we encounter all sort of things. According to the University of Bath, sociologist, Dr Eric Anderson, societies are showing tolerance of sexual activities, hence speak openly. He added that the act of men having sex with men came in “the form of two men and one woman, as well as just two men alone”. And do you call it homosexuality? No.
Yet, the veil of secrecy is still blowing just because these men take precautions in their dealings. The reasons offered secrecy vary from not wanting to expose themselves to the intolerant societies.
It can be that, as the studies indicate they want to protect their loved ones. Prejudice force MSM into hiding and has unintended affect on sexual health leading to "unhealthy sexual and personal pain" asserted Dr Eve.
She added many of these men are married or have partners. Therefore, the only way they see fit is to go underground. Is there any danger in doing that? “Unfortunately this leads to risky sexual practices – all sexual behavior which has to seek expression underground is often unplanned and thus happens in the moment and carries risk” offered Dr Eve.
She reasoned, “These men fear being seen as “moffies” and will often times deny that they are MSM and can even be homo prejudiced themselves”. There seems to be no other way out but lead a double standard life.
Dr Anderson shared the same sentiment “Men have traditionally been reluctant to do anything associated with homosexuality because they fear being perceive gay”
Asked if this way of live is chosen because one is not willing to face relationship sexuality issues? Everybody wants the same things as everybody else including sexual challenges.
Then it should be understood “Denial occurs due to a prejudicial and unsafe society, a society that literally kills and rapes women merely because they are or are suspected of being, lesbian”.
Dr Eve concurred: “So I think denial is self protective and many times necessary way of protecting one self from coming out in a critical and unsafe environment.
She stressed “I do not see it as an unwillingness to face sexual and relationship issues as such- everyone wants the challenge of having a sexual relationship - it just has to conform to societies ideas of what’s “normal.””
Anyway, where are women in this scenario? Well it is not only men so let’s not be too censorious. “Women are “plastic” (flexible)” mentions Dr Eve “many women engage in sexual activities with other women in “days/months/years later switch to opposite sex. These women may not identify as lesbians or may at some point and then change to self identify as heterosexuals again.”
Dr Anderson wrote ‘Being masculine is not about whom you sleep with…’ the same can be said about women. MSM don’t necessarily lose their masculinity credibility in the society because of their behavior. These men say that they “do not feel that same – sex jeopardizes their socially perceived heterosexual identities…”
After 14 years of democracy and liberated country, studies show that discrimination in terms of sexual orientation is still prevalent in South Africa.
This of course, despite the constitution that protects human rights. Dr Eve cautioned, “Let’s be real and accept that even though our constitution says no discrimination it happens too readily throughout society, especially in disadvantaged marginalized societies.
The notion of what it means to be a “man” does not include the figure of a gay man- irrespective of what he looks like. So self identifying as gay inadvertently means being feminine and no longer masculine”.
He said that sexual acts described differed from acts of ‘hazing’ or team – bonding that often include pretend – homosexual acts.
They argue that they do not conform to name calling. Stating that having sex, however, does not necessarily make them gay in masculine peer culture.
Surely sexual relations are complex cases it seems there will always be debates taking place. But what one should do is to celebrate the diversity that comes with it, said Professor Jacklyn Cock from Witwatersrand University.
Marlene Wasserman is a Clinical Sexologist
www.dreve.co.za
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